Great News!! Two months ago I would have told you that my marriage was not salvageable; that too many bad things have been said and done. That we are just not good for each other and that our relationship was toxic. Twenty years of trying and we were still having the same issues with not much improvement.
I had a realtor, I was looking for places to live and I had a lawyer that I finally got an appointment with. I was already scoping out other possible relationships, however, I knew that I needed time on my own not another relationship. I was just married to the wrong person; I was pretty convinced of that. We had not been intimate in basically two years and I was sleeping in a separate room. I said though that I still believed in miracles.
So one morning about two months ago, I remembered to turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself and I had done this many times in the past. But this day, my wife asked me if I would be willing to watch a webinar on relationships and that maybe it would help us get along better after we separated, to be better co-parents, so I agreed. I wanted to be friends if possible. I just felt like I could not give my wife what she needed, we couldn’t work together and couldn’t talk about our issues without it blowing up. I wanted both of us to be happy and if we couldn’t be happy together then I would want us to be happy apart.
So we watch this free webinar with this guy Bruce Muzik. He said he had a hard 1st marriage and it drove him to seek out relationship “gurus” and read all the books and learned what went wrong. He was saying things that I recognized like when he was talking about hailstorms and turtles; that is from Imago (Harville Hendrix).
He basically described what we are going through like it was just a normal thing that happens in relationships. I started thinking that maybe there was hope for our relationship. I should also add that both of us came from families affected by addiction 2 generations ago. So we both had lot of unhealthy relationship skills, but we were both working on it, although it didn’t seem to help our marriage.
Anyway we watch this webinar together and it was good information and I could tell he knew his stuff, because I had also read a lots of relationship books and went to lots of workshops and counselors. He is really down to earth and genuine.
So of course there was the sales pitch at the end….. if you sign up with the next 30 minutes you get $100 off and a free lifetime membership….. all that stuff to create urgency. And I said to my wife, “Are you sure you want to do this? This is a marriage rescue program.”
We were both at a place where we thought it was over and didn’t want to risk getting back into the same stuff. But hey this I was thinking might be that miracle I said I was open to. So we decided to do it. I like the name of it: Love at First Fight.
And I knew based on all the cash we spend on workshops and coaches and all that stuff that it was a good price and investment in our marriage… even if it didn’t work out in the end. It costs about the price for one or possibly two hours with a good divorce lawyer, except it is an 8-week course.
It was the same price as my Costco bill; that place, I tell yeah. So we did it.
I kind of see this as a metastudy. All the best marriage practices, advice and techniques in one program.
And for the last two months things have been much better. I will say there is a lot of soul searching and self-discovery work in it and we are definitely behind, but we are working it. We even went on a date last night to a nice restaurant, a piano bar that serves tapas. First date in 2 years probably.
That is serious progress for us. And any program is helpful if time and effort is put into it. And yes it really helps if both people work the program, but if that is not possible, even if one person does it and the other person sees a change that may make them think a better relationship is possible and things can get better.
The point is, that even if you feel like your marriage can not possibly be salvaged, you could be wrong like I was.
The bottom line is that all our issues are actually about our needs not being met. The things that really make us mad is almost never really about our partner; it is about a need we have that we expect them to know about and fulfill.
The more we understand our own needs and our partners needs the better our relationship will be. The crazy and awesome part is that by is stretching to meet our partner’s needs we actually grow those undeveloped parts of ourselves.
We can actually help heal our partner and grow at the same time. It’s a beautiful thing. Mature love is the ultimate goal.
Bruce brings all of the best marriage practices into one program.
I highly recommend this program for any marriage that isn’t everything you hoped it would be and for people that think their marriage was a mistake or is hopeless and irreconcilable.
Give it go, it is totally worth it.