Newsweek magazine estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless marriage or relationship.
If you are currently in a sexless marriage, I understand how sad or resigned you may feel.
My first marriage turned into a sexless marriage.
In the beginning, we’d dive into bed, hands passionately reaching for each other, excited to feel the warmth and closeness of each other’s naked body and loving touch.
Within a year of being married, we were wearing pajamas and I was lying awake feeling like my wife may as well have been my sister and then falling asleep on my side of the bed feeling lonely inside.
At the time, I didn’t have the tools or understanding of relationship dynamics to do anything about our sexless marriage and eventually, it led to me cheating on my wife (something I’m not proud to admit).
Because our sexless marriage was the primary reason for our divorce, I never wanted to be in another sexless relationship and vowed to learn how to create and sustain sexual passion and chemistry.
If anyone understands the importance of learning to create sexual chemistry instead of coping with a sexless marriage, I do.
The Real Reason Why You Have A Sexless Marriage…
When I coach a couple in a sexless marriage, they almost always say that they still love each other. Then, they say things like:
- “We work hard. We’re too tired for sex…”
- “We have no time for sex because of the kids…”
- “My partner is not as attractive as they used to be…”
- “Isn’t it normal for sexual passion to fade?”
- “I’m depressed…”
My job as a relationship coach is to dig deeper beneath the surface of their self-diagnosis and help them discover the REAL reason they are not having sex.
More often than not, their sexual attraction dies for TWO reasons only:
- Sexual Polarity has been lost
- Emotional Intimacy has been lost
I hear you thinking, “But Bruce, my situation is different! My partner and I are experiencing (work related anxiety) or (clinical depression) or (a porn addiction) or (an affair) or (insert reason of your choice)…”
Sure, all these things are associated with lack of motivation to initiate sex, but I assert none of these cause a sexless marriage.
Let’s take a look at the real causes:
Sexual Polarity – The secret most people never know about sexual attraction
Sexual attraction is created by the the difference in sexual polarity between the two of you.
To put that in plain English, just like a magnet has two poles (positive and negative), you have two sexual poles: masculine and feminine sexual energy.
- Your masculine energy is that part of you which strives for greater freedom and tries to achieve it through financial, creative, or political challenges. Words that describe it are: empty, present, purposeful.
- Your feminine energy is that part of you which yearns for deeper love and tries to find it in intimate relationship, family, or friends. Words that describe it are: full, bright, flowing, changing.
If the masculine is the land, then the feminine is the ocean.
…and like a magnet’s opposite poles are attracted to each other, so sexual opposites attract each other (i.e. masculine energy is attracted to feminine energy).
Sexual Attraction is created by you expressing the opposite sexual energy to your partner.
The greater the difference between these two energies, the greater the sexual attraction between you.
Sexual polarity can easily get lost when the two of you get caught up in your daily lives and forget to (or don’t know how to) consciously create polarity.
Here’s how to do it:
If you’re a feminine woman wanting to create sexual attraction with your man, you’ll need to temporarily let go of your internal masculine energy (so that your partner can hold that energy) and polarize yourself into your feminine sexual energy.
For example, when my partner comes home from a hard day in the office running her web design business, she is still carrying a lot of masculine energy in her body and being. So, she may choose to take a long sensual bubble bath or she may go for a walk in nature to get back in touch with her feminine energy.
On the other hand, my work with couples requires that I access my feminine energy (empathy, compassion), so when I get home I may choose to do something aggressive like kitesurfing or weight lifting to get me back in touch with my masculine energy.
This way, my partner and I stay sexually polarized and can consciously create our sexual attraction and turn on.
I understand if you’re thinking that this sounds a little conceptual and woo-woo. This topic would require an entire book to do justice to, but for now take comfort in knowing that it is possible quickly learn practical relationship tools for consciously creating sexual polarity between you and your partner.
Emotional Intimacy – The key to feeling safe and sexy
The second most common reason couples lose their sexual attraction for each other is that they stop being emotionally intimate with each other.
I loosely define Emotional Intimacy as “the experience of being intimately connected with your partner such that sharing your most tender, vulnerable emotions feels safe.”
Remember the time when you cried on someone’s shoulder and they gently cradled you telling you that it would all be OK? That’s emotional intimacy.
You remember the time you shared your deepest, scariest secret with another, trusting that they would hold it as sacred and they just listened without judgement? That’s emotional intimacy?
Sexual attraction naturally grows inside emotionally safe and intimate relationships…
…and because Emotional intimacy is directly linked to you experiencing safety in your relationship when you stop sharing tender, vulnerable feelings honestly with each other, you don’t feel turned on.
Over time this feeling becomes “the way it is” and before you know it, you’re in a sexless marriage.
The TWO most common reasons I find that clients stop initiating sex are:
You feel like your partner has wronged or betrayed you and you are carrying hurt or resentment.
Unless you actively work to heal your hurt with your partner and work through your feelings of betrayal and resentment, emotional intimacy will be lost, your TRUST bank account will go overdrawn, and your sex life will suffer a terrible blow.
One of you is withholding communication from the other. This secret may be something you’ve said, done felt or thought and you’re not telling your partner about it.
Withholds will destroy your relationship faster than anything I know of. They act like a virus, infecting our relationship with lies and forcing us to present ourselves as something that we are not.
Withholds are the biggest, most dangerous threat to emotional intimacy and to your ability to feel ALIVE in your relationship and left unchecked will quietly suck the life out of your relationship and sex life.
When my first wife and I met, we knew nothing of sexual polarity, so when the romance stage of our relationship ended and we entered the Power Struggle stage, the first thing casualty was our sexual polarity and attraction.
Because we had never learned how to fight in a way that creates deeper intimacy, we survived our conflicts by repressing out real feelings.
Before long our sexual polarity had disappeared and we felt more like brother and sister than lovers.
I remember cuddling my first wife at night thinking to myself how much I loved her but feeling zero desire to initiate sex, not knowing why. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to trick my mind and body into wanting to express my love sexually with her.
That’s because Sexual Attraction is NOT a choice – it’s an automatic and totally unconscious reaction.
A few years later, while travelling on business, I met a woman I felt a huge sexual attraction for. We had a one night stand and before long, one night stands became the way I felt desired and affirmed as a man.
My wife had made it really clear that if I ever cheated on her, she would leave, so I withheld my cheating from her in order to not lose her – the woman I loved.
My withhold killed our emotional intimacy. I was lying to my wife and hated myself for doing so.
Eventually, I owned up to her and we got divorced.
A week later, she met the man of her dreams and 18 months later, I met someone and fell in love again.
Had my ex-wife and I known how to create sexual polarity and sustain emotional intimacy, I suspect we’d have a very different story to tell.
Ignorance is bliss?
The bad news is that until you address the root cause of your sexless marriage or sexless relationship, it’s not going to magically become a passionate one filled with excitement, love, and orgasmic bliss.
What is more likely to happen is that you’ll get used to it and begin justifying why not having “to-die-for sex” regularly is OK and normal. If you’re doing this already, get support from a professional. Don’t wait.
Alternatively, you’ll tolerate a sexless marriage until one of you can’t anymore and leaves or has an affair.
You don’t have to tolerate a sexless marriage.