How to Get Your Partner
Inspired To Join You
In The Program
Inspired To Join You
In The Program
If your partner is resisting participating in the program with you, this free training will help…
Click the “PLAY” button to listen to a free audio training about how to enroll your partner to participate in the Love At First Fight coaching program with you.
Crib notes from the recording
1. Connect First
Remember, when you’re talking with your partner about the program, CONNECT with them first. Make them feel appreciated and valued. Do something fun or take them to dinner. Laugh with them and get them feeling safe. Then, bring it up the program in a way that feels “light.”
Alternatively, if your partner is very resistant to talking about anything to do with your relationship, consider writing a heartfelt letter to them using the principles you learned in the recording above. Generally, Hailstorms tend to like to talk it out, while Turtles tend to prefer to write (as it gives them time to get in touch with what they are feeling). Generally, Turtles need to learn to talk more and Hailstorms need to learn to listen more.
The letter should not replace a conversation but inspire one. To get a sense of what a successful letter might look like, read this example letter written by a past participant to his wife. This letter (and their subsequent conversation) succeeded in inspiring her to join the program. Notice how many of the elements mentioned below he uses in the letter. Feel free to use this letter as a template for one of your own.
2. Acknowledge That Things Haven’t Been Easy For Your Partner
It’s easy to forget that your partner is hurting too. Start off acknowledging that you understand that things are difficult for BOTH of you and that they are hurting too.
For example, you might say, “I love you so much. I know we have been having a tough time recently and I know it can’t be easy for you either… I imagine you must be feeling ___. I want you to know that it hurts me that you’re hurting.”
3. Discover what your partner would like to be different in the relationship
Your partner doesn’t want to struggle either. When asking, be curious about what they perceive the problems are. You’re going to use this information later when you invite them to participate in the program with you. Whatever you do, don’t react or take anything they say personally – even if they make remarks that are inaccurate or discouraging. Remember, this is a long-term game you’re playing and you can’t let little upsets derail your progress.
4. Discover what your partner wants out of your relationship
Ask your partner what they want out of the relationship. You might say something like, “Honey, in an ideal world, how would you like our relationship to feel, look or be?”
Then listen closely. Don’t react or rebut anything they say. Just listen curiously. You’re being a detective here. If you say something, make sure it’s only a question that helps you understand their point of view more.
5. Discover The Gap
Next, discover what is standing between where your relationship is now and where they want it to be. You might say something like “What do you think is in the way our relationship being that way?”
6. Build A Bridge
Frame the conversation as you wanting to improve your relationship, not your partner.
Nobody likes feeling like they are broken and need fixing. Your partner is not broken, but perhaps the bond between you has been. Frame the conversation as you wanting to repair that bond.
Frame the program in terms of the benefits to your partner
Share exactly what you think you BOTH will get out of the program in terms of how it will benefit your partner and the relationship.
Share the program in terms of how it will benefit them, help them overcome the hurdles they described and get you both the relationship they want.
“Honey, I’ve signed up for this program that is designed to help us feel more connected and communicate more lovingly. I’m really excited about it and I think it will help me understand you more and help us feel more like team mates. Here’s what else I think we can get out of the program…”
7. Invite Your Partner To Participate With You
“Honey, you are important to me. Our relationship is important to me. I would really like us to participate in this program so that we can grow together. Whatever you choose, I love and accept you. Would you be open to participating together?”
Whatever you do, do NOT pressure her or get mad at her if she does not want to participate. If you are unattached to her participation, you’ll have a much greater chance of her saying yes.
Here’s the thing. If you pressure her in any way, she will not want to attend. You need to present it as a choice. Something like this: “I’d love for you to join me, but you’re free to say no and I won’t pressure you.
If They Say No
If your partner says no, honor their choice by thanking them for considering it. They need to feel that they have a real choice in the matter. Tell them that you respect their choice. If you storm off in a huff, you’ll just confirm that you lied – and you don’t really respect their choice.
- Listen their concerns
- “Can you help me understand why you feel you’d rather not participate in something that will help us feel closer and more connected and in love?”
- Listen to their concerns and repeat back to them what they say, so that you demonstrate that you heard them.
- Address their concerns
- Without trying to convince them or manipulate them, address their concerns as best you can.
- “Now that we’ve addressed your main concerns, would you reconsider participating with me.”
- If they say no, tell them that you respect their choice and ask them if they’d be OK with doing some of the homework assignments with you. If they say no, then thank them and tell them that you love them.
- Don’t give up. They might change their mind if you truly honor their choice to not participate and once they see the changes you’re making in yourself by participating in the program.
- Remember, whatever happens, YOU can still turn your relationship around on your own.
- Remember that your partner’s reaction has nothing to do with you. It is all about them.
- Share and invite, don’t convince them or try to manipulate or cajole them into participating.
- Use inclusive language – e.g. WE, US, TOGETHER